after a couple of hours of struggling to hold a conversation about the youtube video we were watching, my exhausted fiance (who worked from 4am to 3pm today) turned to me and asked, "do you need to be put in the sensory deprivation zone?"
that's not a kink thing. that's just what we call it when i run out of social resources and need to put on headphones and not be asked to react to things. does anyone else get massive reaction fatigue? i never see other disabled people talking about it. i get so stressed out when people are showing me things or initiating conversation with a personal anecdote and i'm put in a situation where i have to meter my reaction appropriately. often it's not that i don't care, i just have nothing to say about it. like yep, that conversation between you and a coworker sure did happen. wow, that sports thing, it occurred. i have nothing to say, but i also don't want anyone to feel like i'm disinterested or generally don't care, so i sit there paralyzed, trying to find the perfect response... i have a hard time performing excitement or attentitiveness. it takes a lot out of me to even respond to messages where someone is just showing me something.
the discord react feature was made for me. i have a lot of friends whose way of showing love is to send me things, but sometimes it's just too stressful to respond to every single message, especially if it's a bunch of them in succession. if this is you and you're feeling bad, don't! i wouldn't be posting about this if i didn't think you would understand. i just don't always have it in me to be available for conversation about the topics in my dms.
i think part of it also stems from the nature of my job, where i am having conversations constatntly and trying to direct them toward a specific set of paths without the other person catching on. that's the thing about being good at people-facing roles. you have to perform genuine interest, either to someone you're trying to sell something to, or get to hire you again, or--and this a new challenge for me--someone you're coaching, so that they start working the way they're supposed to. i find it to be such a waste of my social skills (and i like to think i'm quite adept) that i'm spending my days teaching 19-23 year olds how to more effectively sell makeup and fill our books with clients. i know i have said this before, but i wish i could spend my energy making people feel good instead. and not leaving my friends' messages on read for hours because i'm too tired to respond.
i've been wearing my big, over-the-ear headphones a lot when i'm at home, even when i'm not listening to anything. i have earplugs too, but my ears are so small that even the smallest tips are kind of painful, so it's nice to have the world muffled by some comforting pressure along the sides of my head instead. unfortunately, it also signals to my fiance that i don't want to talk to him, which... happens a lot. his favorite way to communicate is to never let the conversation close and interject with a new subject the moment he thinks of one, but most of the time, i've already disengaged, and he ends up having to repeat himself a lot every time he speaks up after not saying anything for a couple minutes. he knows this frustrates me, but i know that it's just how his brain works, so the best compromise is a physical indicator that i don't have the resources for that kind of socializing. it is really funny to like, go pee and realize i've silently had my headphones on for hours, though.
someday i will finally find a way to leave this industry so that i can have normal conversations again. i miss doing things and seeing people. it's impossible for me to even hold a conversation digitally right now, with the assignment i have right now. i am happy that my new, temporary coworkers like me a lot more than my actual ones. it's going to be pretty lonely when i go back to eating my lunch in silence while a conversation i'm not invited to happens on either side of me.
in better news, i've been popping off with my lunches lately. i've had the most delicious little snacks the last few days, too. god, i love imitation crab.